So the past few days has been like a nightmare. I can't believe that Diane read my blog. Not once in 18 months has anyone here ever said one word about my blog. I knew that I had given them my blog address a long time ago but didn't think anything of it. I still wonder how Diane happened to see my blog that day. I highly doubt that she's been reading it all this time. I don't know. Maybe she was and just didn't say anything but my fear is that someone else saw it and told her. That would be awful.
Anyway, Diane came over on Wednesday afternoon saying she wanted to talk to me and said "I can't believe that you would write that on your blog" and proceeded to lay into me. Not that I didn't deserve it. I know that I said some mean things on my blog. I was reacting to the way she spoke to and treated me on Monday night (after we told her the news). I shouldn't have written when it was all so fresh and definitely should not have posted it to my (not so private) blog. I know that now! (to quote Nicolas Cage from Honeymoon in Vegas- the only funny part in the whole movie)
I just felt so awful once I realized what I had done and how I hurt her feelings. It was difficult since I feel like I didn't say anything untrue. But yes, maybe too harsh. They don't deserve it though, and that is what is killing me. They have been wonderful to me all this time and what do I do? Write this terrible stuff about them. UGH. The guilt is tearing me up. Anyway so that day when Diane was here I ended up defending my position when I should have just apologized and let it go. It didn't matter at that point if I was right or justified or not. She hugged me a few times before she left and said it was fine and that we will forget it, etc. but how can I? Now I am so worried about who has read it and who knows and what they think of me now. Isn't it ironic that the topic I was writing about- people gossiping about us- has only come to greater fruition because of MY OWN stupid mistake? I know, it's painful. I am being taught a lesson.
So the past few days I have just been completely stressed out thinking of all this, the guilt, etc. I don't know maybe it's the stress of the whole thing coming together. I haven't been coping well at all. I look like crap. Even someone I saw today said "you look like you've had a tough week". Yeah, I had to agree. It's just really gotten me down. I want to feel good about this decision but I can't seem to get past this awful week. Jared has been really wonderful and forgiving and supportive. I thought maybe he would be mad at me for doing such a stupid thing and saying this about his family but he hasn't. He has just said, "I still love you, even if you do silly things". He has called me a couple times a day the past few days and has even been fielding calls from his sisters/mum talking about it. (Not sure if that is good or bad)
Diane called tonight and invited me to lunch tomorrow. I guess that means we will sit together and have a nice lunch and we will get it behind us. That is one thing about her- even though she will tell you just how she feels, though it may hurt, she is also forgiving and forgets quickly. I am glad b/c I really do love her and his family and I don't want to have this between us. I also talked to Katherine today and she was very kind and said "We all just want what's best for you" etc etc.
What a crazy week it's been. I just want to get the ball rolling on our plans to move back. I want to feel excited and happy and all that. Not this. I got an email from the consulate today that I can put in the application on Oct 4th for Jared's visa. Don't know how long it's supposed to take after that. At least the appointment isn't too far off. I was worried it might take months. I will have to fly down to Sydney to put the application in. Then we'll have an interview sometime after that. So if all goes well, we might be able to come end of Oct? Mid November? I am starting to get so excited!
I called Britney yesterday as I was mid-crisis and needed some therapy. She was wonderful and kept telling me she was so sorry that all this was happening then she called again today and said, "Sorry, I know you are going through a horrible time but I have to admit I was so happy after you told me the news!" It will be great to be near her again. So grateful for such a great friend.
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4 comments:
I am sorry that this has all happened, that they didn't support you in the first place and your venting has brought you to this place. Perhaps you shouldn't have published it, but remember this is your blog, your thoughts, and you have every right to have them. Do not feel guilty. Think of it this way, at least it gave you and Diane the chance to get it all out.
I am glad Diane asked you to lunch and that you've also spoken to Katherine. Sounds like they are starting to understand why you're leaving and why you were hurt.
Keep your head up and focus on the goal at hand...coming home. We love you and are so looking forward to you all being back with us.
I'm so glad you're blogging. After I saw your email I was going to suggest just making it private. I would have missed it.
Yeah we went to lunch today and it was ok. She didn't talk about anything, I think she just wanted to get out and get past it. At one point it came up and she said we're not going to talk about it. I know that she knows I love them and I think she understands that I was just hurt and I didn't mean it in a vindictive way. It's been an AWFUL week. I look like hell. I just want to get on a plane and come home right now. I know it could be worse. They could hate me and hold it against me forever. I am lucky to have such kind forgiving family, really.
Wow...not so fun at all. It's a delicate world, this little blogosphere. It is nice that they are forgiving. I posted a picture one time that my sister didn't want me to post (granted, it was a little personal...not inappropriate or anything) and I got an earful. Nothing rude. Nothing inappropriate. Just a picture.
It's a tough choice between private and not private. Thanks for the invite. There are times when I'm tempted to go private, but...for now I just keep the super personal stuff in my journal. That may change some day because there are lots of things I don't/can't write about for the very same reasons you went private.
Anyway, good luck with everything.
Yikes. That was an unfortunate turn of events all around, eh? I'm glad that Diane is forgiving and that you can re-establish a relationship where you all like each other. I had a similar experience with my sister-in-law once (where she said something that really hurt my feelings) and it took a long time until I felt like things were the same between us.
"I know that now!" We say that all the time in that great Nicolas Cage inflection.
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