Anyone who has read my blog over the past month or two knows that I am having a hard time with motherhood. I can't figure out if it's me or my kids, or some combination of the two. Obviously it's a combination, but I mean are my kids acting up and being more naughty than usual or am I just lacking patience and love? Whatever the cause, I am struggling. I don't know if I am going through some 30 yr old crisis or what... it just seems like it's so hard lately. I want so badly to be a good mother and to be the kind of person that my kids can love. I want to show patience and love and kindness so that they will emulate those qualities. I don't want to yell or speak unkindly or make them feel like they are not valued. I don't know how to get past this issue right now. It seems like I am just not making the cut.
I remember one area on my mission, probably about the middle, where I was really having a hard time. I probably just needed to refocus and renew my efforts, but I was just losing the vision. I look back at that sometimes, recognizing that I wasn't working to my fullest potential, and I feel really sad that I didn't do better. I wish that I had tried harder and done whatever I needed to do to overcome it. Instead I think I just sort of got through it, eventually, but not as well as I could have. I endured but I didn't endure well, if that makes sense.
I don't want to look back at these years and regret the way that I dealt with my kids. This is motherhood. No one said it would be easy. The thing is, I always thought that I would be good at it. I don't know why, really, but I did. I never went into it with doubts or fear. I thought it would be easy to love my kids and to raise them the way I wanted to. I am finding that it's not so easy. And lately I have been listening to all the mothers around me who have teenagers and it absolutely frightens me. There is so much stuff going on out there. I am not ready. Have you ever evaluated yourself in this way and realized that you weren't where you should be? If I honestly look at myself, I know that I cannot give my kids what they need to deal with all the stuff that is going to hit them. I have to get over my personal issues and get down to it, before it's too late. You can't just slide through parenthood. You can't just have some bad days then move on. Because those bad days add up. I have already had too many of them. Gradually, you become that person that you think is just in a 'bad mood' or 'having a rough day'. I don't want to be that person. How do I make that person go away?
I was reading in Alma 31 today. It's funny how scriptures can speak to you. It might be about war or building a boat or whatever, but it relates to what is going on in your life, doesn't it? Alma prays for himself and his fellow missionaries and he says that his heart is sorrowful and he asks for strength through Christ. It gave me a lot of comfort to know that such a great prophet could also need strength and support. He asked repeatedly in these verses for help and strength. He also asks for patience. In verse 38 it says the Lord "gave them strength, that they should suffer no manner of afflictions, save it were swallowed up in the joy of Christ." I hope that this helps someone else today because it helped me. It's all a journey, I know. It's life.
6 comments:
I'm so glad you wrote all of this Robyn. It's so honest and real. I think every mother feels this way, and it's great that you recognize that these days add up and that you're turning to the scriptures for help.
My primary lesson yesterday was on Joshua and the destruction of Jericho and I was really hit by how many times the Lord told Joshua to "Be strong and of good courage," He tells him 4 times. I was pointing out to my class how overwhelming it must have been to be the prophet after Moses and to have to lead 40,000 men across the Jordan River (which parted) to destroy Jericho. I asked the kids if they've ever had to be strong and of good courage, and immediately thought of times when I have had to be.
Maybe you should read Joshua chapter 1 and apply it to your role as a mother. I felt so inspired by it.
As for how hard motherhood is, I don't think any of us had a clue what we were getting into. Don't forget you've moved across the world from your family, had another baby, and have a precocious 3 year old that could break any good mother. Cut yourself some slack, read your scriptures daily, and say very detailed prayers about what you need from the Lord.
I liked your post b/c I have a lot of the same struggles. I'll have to write out some of mine. It always helps. It is so hard to have your best mothering game on every day. There are so many, many things to balance and needs to be met. I'm finding that it probably comes down to spending at least a little bit of fun time with the kids every day. Asking them about their feelings and being interested. I know I'm not there yet. But that is what I remember as being the greatest thing my parents did for me. My dad would kneel by my bedside many nights and recite articles of faith when me even when I was three. Throughout the years he would kneel there and ask me if there was anything he could do for me, ask how my week was going, give me compliments, ask about my friends. That was huge. The compliments and notes my parents wrote made a big difference too. And then the things that don't go well don't seem to matter as much. I love Jill's suggestion to pray specifically about challenges and needs. I'll have to work on that.
You are definitely not alone. It does feel like it's a battle to enjoy every minute when in reality you really want to. Does that make sense.
I struggle with this a lot. Enjoying being a mother when that's all i wanted to do. I too thought I would be so good at it and it would be so natural. what was i thinking? I don't know if it's 3 kids or kids in genreal but by the end of the day I am exhausted...really exhausted. I keep telling myself it will get easier, but I believe it will just get different. Emotionally hard rather than physically hard. I'm thinking I should enjoy what i have now when their young. It certainly does scare me to think of a time you have no control over them.
Anyway, prayer and daily scripture study does help me. I am sure you are doing that which is why the famous term "endure to the end". I have always thought you were a fabulous mother (still do). And i'm not just saying that. You always seem to be so organized and so together. Remember you do have a new baby, you have just changed your life completely, and with jared traveling that has got to be hard. I never do good alone for days.
I hope just the thought "it's not just you" makes you feel a little better.
I have found that when I become comfortable, or when I just get into a routine and life seems great, that is when I pushed to become greater. I was once in your position new state (well new country would be much different), new baby, new life, new job, husband gone more, etc. I really really struggled. And in the midst of it I realized that when I was done with the trial I would be a better mother. I think that we can't just stay in one place, so we are put through the refiners fire. We are meant to question to seek, to become better. That is what I think of motherhood, I can relate to your post 100%, I cry at night thinking of the day I had, thinking of how I made my children feel. Worrying that I am not good enough and someone else would do so much better. I pray, I search and than sometimes I am allowed the tender mercies of my Heavenly Father to touch my soul. Change is something I learned will not be overnight, week, month, year. It will be gradual sometimes unnoticeable, but this time next year I bet you look back and realize that you do something a little better than before.
I also think it is hard when our kids are little. They go through so many stages and age problems. I have come to realize that just as I seem to get over something, another one will begin that stage. My 6 year old is being quite difficult lately, but in talking to others with a six year old girl I am not alone. So, now I pray to help me know how to help her, to find the patience I need.
You are doing a great job, you are wanting to improve, you are wanting to give them the best mom. That is a precious gift to them, and I think they will appreciate it more than hate you.
I think every mother feels this way at times, especially when you are alone with the kids for extended amounts of time. I know that I do. Not only do we get tired and worn out from being alone with the kids, but I think that they get bored with us and need a break from us, too.
I'm sure that things will start to get better and you will find the answer to your troubles. You are praying, reading the scriptures, and obviously pondering about it. I'm sure the answer will come. Don't worry about regreting the way that you are dealing with your kids right now. I think it has just started to click with me that, no matter what their age is and no matter how much I try to teach them, they are still individuals and will make their own choices. I know it usually is hardest when Andy has been gone a lot.
I was also thinking that, not only have you had this major life change, but so have your kids. Maybe they are still trying to adjust to these big changes and are acting out because they don't know any other way to express themselves.
Just remember that you aren't alone and keep filling your "spiritual bucket".
I think everyone feels like this and I am glad that you articulated it so well for us. I feel like I am into the next stage hard and failing. The emotional stuff and now that they are real people (I know there is much more to come.) I wish I could go back to the physical challenges and at least I can do that...
Anyway, I totally relate... now you know one of the reasons my kids are still home with me... I don't feel that I have given them all they need to survive in the world yet. I hope you get some good days mixed in with the rough ones soon!!!
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