The days are just flying by. I can't believe it's seriously March 20th. When did that happen? I feel like I must be missing all kinds of important events or something because I just can't register the fact that the year is 1/4 of the way done. I went over my goals the other day (which I feel like I JUST wrote down...) and I am doing a pathetic job at achieving them. To give myself some credit, I have to say I have done well with the patience thing. (I really needed to work on it) I am definitely not yelling as much as I used to and I am trying to spend QT with the kids every day. Ok, two down, many to go... It's a process, I know. I have a year to work on them. I just wish I were doing a little better at some of the more important ones. I have become quite social- calling people, meeting for lunch, having playdates, dinner with other families, etc. No problem. I am pretty good at choosing the easy things first. It's like when you write down things on your "To Do" list just so you can check them off. I like to do little things around the house (meanwhile, I procrastinate the higher priority items) just so I can feel good.
Like today. I dropped Olivia and Austin at school and I came home and put Ashley down for a nap. I should have immediately made phone calls about my Ward Enrichment which is only 9 days away! or I should have worked on the talk I need to give THIS Sunday... or I could have worked on the mini-class I am doing on April 20th for Stake Enrichment... but NO. What did I do? Cleaned out my garage. How funny is that?! I just totally avoided the biggies that I should have done and instead I swept out spiderwebs and reorganized the bins and camping gear. It looks pretty good, doesn't it?
Aaaah, will I ever learn? I admit it was quite enjoyable to sit back and look at my clean garage. I now have more room to park, but I didn't find the Primary Partner books that I originallly started looking for. I am easily distracted. Soon after that Chelsea (my cousin in law) came over, since we are doing the Stake class together, and we had an impromptu meeting. Ok, that was good. After lunch when Ashley slept I worked on my talk. I was pleasantly surprised to find that I did some prep work weeks ago and saved the info in a Word document. How good am I? I didn't even remember doing it. I thought I had saved a talk on a related subject and went looking for it and lo and behold there was a number of quotes, a few talks, and other ideas in the document all ready for me to work with. What a blessing! I spent an hour or so editing it down and making it more cohesive. I am feeling pretty confident about my talk now! Yay. If only my husband was going to be there on Sunday. What am I to do with three small kids? I am going to ask my in laws to come to my ward or else I will farm them out to different families. The joys of having a husband who travels!
I have been thinking about the balancing act that is my life since my mom is teaching a class about this at a Women's Conference soon. I keep thinking, what is it? What is the challenge? How do I balance it all? Why does it seem so hard? I have come to the decision that my life isn't so crazy when you look at it on paper... I mean, every day there is usually a swim lesson, soccer, or a meeting, or an appoinment or things to do like grocery shopping, etc. So it's not like my schedule is wide open, but not crazy. I am lucky not to work. However, among those commitments are things I care about; speaking in church, putting on an Enrichment for the Relief Society (75 women), teaching a class, etc. Things I want to do well. Also the obvious factors of being a mother, wife, friend, etc. I feel pressure to succeed at all of these things. I am a bit of a perfectionist so I not only want to just get through it, I want to be good at all of these things. I want the women to come away from Enrichment saying "Wow, that was great." I want my kids to be confident and happy and grow up to be wonderful people. I want my husband to think that his wife is great and that he can't live without her. Also, there are all those goals I set for myself this year like run 6k's 3x per week and take a photography class and have dates with my husband and... Yikes, it is a balancing act!
Then there's the clincher. The one thing that seals the deal. Guarantees failure. I am really good at it, are you? It's comparing. I compare myself to the mom that does all the cute projects with her kids, never gets impatient, who is all organized, sews the Halloween costumes, sends all her friends cute birthday gifts, runs marathons, is RS President, makes her own bread, etc etc. etc. Nasty, nasty habit.
I need to realize that I am not going to be perfect at all of these things. I am going to do my best and that will have to be good enough. Everyone else has normal standards for me, right? No one expects me to be superwoman- I am the one who has raised the bar so high, who will only be happy with perfection and nothing else. I am setting myself up for failure because it's impossible. One day this will get through my thick head. One day.
6 comments:
Nice post Paco. I enjoy how you mix deeper concerns and thoughts with daily tasks. BTW, I saw a recipe in one of Jill's magazines for a pumpkin mousse with chocolate chips dessert--I'll forward it to you. --Randy
What in the world? Randy is commenting on your blog and talking about recipes? I'm officially freaked out.
I can totally relate to making the decision to clean the garage rather than to work on the bigger projects and I don't think there's anything wrong with doing that. Sometimes we need to accomplish a manageable task so we can revel in the results. Also, for me bringing order to an area helps add order to my brain which enables me to focus better later. Perhaps that's what you're doing too.
As for the comparing yourself to other, just stop doing it! I don't know ANY mother who is never impatient with her kids or who fits the list you described. Plus, even if someone appears to have it all together we never see what they're really like at home. It's most important to do the best you are capable of doing, and to always be striving to improve. We don't have to do it all and we end up sabatoging ourselves when we try.
When I was in college and had a huge homework assignment/paper due, I would get distracted and clean my room, go do the dishes, vacuum, almost anything except what needed to be done. I always felt like I had ADHD or something! I think your sister is right--having order around helps you focus.
I also always compare myself to others and then feel like a major loser because I don't measure up. I always have to remind myself that I need to compare myself to yesterday's "self" to see if I have improved.
You are pretty great, you know. Have you ever thought about all of the other women who look up to you and compare themselves to you? I'm sure there are a lot out there.
(may dung pen huang na kha!)
I almost always choose the other task vs the one that really needs to get done. I swear it is some disease I have, fear of finishing the most important or something like that. Or it could be the ADD I'm pretty sure I have. Who knows?
I stopped comparing myself to other women and mothers (for the most part) and I am SO much happier. I mean I still want to be more fit, more organized, more of this and that but I don't want to BE them anymore. I want to be me and get there at my own pace. Did that make any sense? I'll stop, I fear I'm rambling!
What?!? The year is 1/4 over? Where did all the time go?
It makes me wonder who is comparing themselves to me?
Just TODAY, my day off, I was determinded not to get sidetracked. I had so much to do. I was crossing things off my list right and left, went in Andrew's room to put the clean sheets back on the bed, noticed his messy closet (all those VHS tapes!) and decided to just to one shelf a day.....right! Two hours later an immaculate closet, dejunked, scrubbed, vacuumed, old books and toys packed up for D.I.
How can I complain, what if someone came to see the house? It was a good thing but I did........after all, get sidetracked.
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